Grief and Hope Along the Career Path

What…on…Earth…will the rest of this year look like?

I started 2023 so full of hope and excitement. It didn’t last long. I remember the moment I knew it was gone. I was sitting in a manager’s office, expecting to be confirmed in a new role I had already started, when she told me she gave it to an external candidate who had more experience.

The moment froze. My heart stopped and my stomach sank. That was my last chance to stay; I was about to be unemployed, and very soon. In an instant I went from feeling I was valued to knowing I was disposable. I was angry and grief-stricken instantly upon hearing those words. I started saying good-bye in my mind to who I thought I was becoming and the life I thought I was starting. Two months later, I’m still grieving.

I had grown to love the company. I loved the atmosphere, the mission, and most of all, I love, love, loved the people I worked with. (I still do.) I felt safe there. Valued. My own manager made sure I felt that way. She has been added to my list of influences in my ongoing leadership development.

I miss my friends. I miss the encouragement. I miss laughing until I cried at work. I miss not dreading going to work the next day. I miss “your mom” jokes. I miss saying hi to people in other departments as if we were old friends being reunited. I miss not feeling isolated or like I was expected to take work home with me. I miss working with others to brainstorm, solve problems, and improve processes.

I don’t know who the next me is going to be. I don’t know what my next life is going to look like. But I am very uncomfortable thinking about how low I might have to move the bar just so I can have steady income. I’m afraid of how many sacrifices I might have to make, and how they will affect my state-of-mind where I spend so many of my waking hours. I am nervous about how quickly we’re running out of time until I’m unemployed again. I have always had the luxury of choosing whether I wanted to work somewhere. I might not be so fortunate this time around, and it’s not a fun place to be.

2023 started out full of so much hope. We were so close to breathing easier. I was so close to starting a new career somewhere I was happy. Instead, the year so far has been marked by job loss, car trouble, increased debt, prioritized payments, fruitless job searches, recycled illness, self-doubt, and panic-fueled frustration. We are still VERY blessed to have supportive friends and family, reliable transportation (now), a roof over our head, nice clothes, and good food. We still laugh a lot. But you can be blessed and still struggle, and we have struggled with this.

There’s no one I’d rather go through this with than my husband, and I still have a lot of hope for the second half of the year. We are smart and resourceful, and I know we’ll figure something out. We have already improved our situation in many ways, with more improvements on the way. I look forward to remembering 2023 as the year that started in the toilet and ended in the penthouse suite (or at least out of the bathroom).